[i81f8bbe]CFL to Hartford Fans, Players: Protect Yourselves[/i81f8bbe]

TUCSON (AP) - Hartford Attack fans are being encouraged to steer clear of attending or otherwise viewing tonight's CFL Bowl matchup with the Tucson Toros. The reason? Mental health concerns.

"This advisory is being issued for their own good," said interim-commissioner Doug5984. "The emotional devastation they would experience from watching the slaughter to come would likely land some of their more fragile fans in a locked psychiatric ward - for good."

But the commissioner's concerns are not limited to the Hartford fan base. He indicated that Hartford players are at risk as well.

"Hartford players are at risk as well," said Doug5984. "We encourage them to consider skipping tonight's game, or perhaps to even consider other lines of employment."

This unprecedented call for CFL Bowl avoidance has gained the support of previous CFL commissioners. Commissioner-on-hiatus Taco said that "[the] asswhipping Hartford's going to get tonight will probably warrant a congressional investigation."

Founding commissioner GoldenEagle added, "I fear most for the children."

"Did I spell that right?" added the Mississippi-educated GoldenEagle. "c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n. Children. I'll be damned, I think I got it right."

A mental health expert agreed that tonight's game is likely to cause a spike in emergency room visits globally.

"Hartford will end up experiencing some significant rectal bleeding after this one," said Associate Professor Dufus McFuknut of the Northwestern University Medical Center's department of psychiatry. "We encourage everyone, even grown males, to exercise caution with this game. If while viewing the game you start to experience an growing sense of dread, impending panic for fear of death, or a compulsion to throw yourself out of a window, seek immediate medical care."

"And if you do choose to watch the game, please be sure to have a friend standing by in a nearby room," added Dr. Mcfuknut. "They could be the only thing standing between you and the 12-story plunge out your apartment window."

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Ring of Fire Division Champions - 2009, 2011-2026, 2028-33
Western Conference Champions - 2011-2013, 2016, 2017, 2019-2022, 2024, 2025, 2028, 2033
CFL Champions - 2011, 2013, 2016, 2017, 2019, 2020, 2022, 2025

*golf clap*

Much better...and...(don't stop now)

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ROF Division Champions: 2039 - 2043, 2045, 2047, 2054, 2056 - 2060, 2063, 2066-2067, 2070-2072
WFC Conference Champions: 2018, 2041, 2042, 2057-2058, 2060, 2062-2063
CFL Champions: 2018, 2041, 2057-2058, 2060, 2062